To the homeschool girls and those who love them.

Alright, so I have a confession to make to some of my dedicated readers: yes, I was really was homeschooled.  Oftentimes I don't like mentioning that background for the same reason I don't like bringing up my religious background.  Saying, "I was homeschooled" is like saying, "I was raised Baptist"; meaning I feel like I have to explain before I even begin.  So, as I write this post, understand that this ex-homeschooler's confession is really meant to be gracious and honest and the same time.  Honesty and grace is always an incredibly difficult balance.

First, before I really begin, I'd just like to say how thankful I am that my family didn't go too deep in homeschooling culture and that I was raised in a healthy family environment that was more excited about God than homeschooling.  That is something I am incredibly thankful for; that I could be homeschooled and still not too imeresed in the culture itself.  I consider that experience one of my greatest gifts.  Take not that when I talk about the "homeschooling cult/culture/movement", I'm talking about what you see at the conferences, in the curriculum and that sort of thing.  I am not talking about individual families necessarily.

One of the casualties of the homeschooling movement is the daughters of the movement.  The first thing you need to understand about the homeschooling culture is that it is radically confusing the girls, and I think most girls that have been homeschooled will agree with this.  When it comes to issues like identity, purpose, sexuality, spirituality and just plain out life, these girls are very confused, and oftentimes they either don't know they are confused or don't have any outlet to express that confusion.

People who haven't been homeschooled do not know what I'm talking about.  I remember being fourteen years old and going to a homeschool convention and wanting to run out and scream my head off.  I remember thinking - I wanted more.  I wanted more than to be told that my sole purpose in life was to eventually become a homeschool mom and have ten babies.  I was tired of the judgementalism, the emphasis on excessive modesty and the fear of "secularists" taking over America .  Did you think the debate over women getting an education and voting was long over and settled?  Well, some homeschooled communities are still debating it.  If you are not scared by that you should be.

The truth is, homeschoolers have their own gospel.  It's the gospel that worships liberal arts education and children who are too intelligent for their own good.  Homeschool tries to push the intellect to it's limit; and more often than not often neglects the real soul of the child.  Little girls don't want to be told they have to memorize all Latin conjugates by second grade.  Little girls don't want to be told their dream should be to marry someone who is as exciting as Abraham Lincoln.  But that is the dream the homeschooling movement has created for them.  And all along, we forget the truth of Christ and his inclusive love because we are more focused on our own academic and social agenda.

I wish I could go back in time and tell my old self and my old girlfriends with the experience I have now.  But I can't.  Time doesn't work that way.  I find that camping out in the past is not a very good place to see the stars, so I'm not even going to try.  However, if I could send three messages to teenage girls being homeschooled, this is what they would be.

1.  Being a girl is okay.  


Maybe the reason why I've seen a lot of turmoil in homeschooled girls' hearts is because they haven't been allowed to be who they are.  Messages of excessive modesty and constant submission is really just saying: boys are better than girls.  And if you act like a normal, healthy girl, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Good grief, no wonder why so many girls are depressed - they're told their entire worth is based on how men react to them.  The natural bi-product of that mindset is to either squash femininity altogether or to create a ridged and conservative gender schema, both of which the homeschooling movement has been able to do simultaneously.  The result has been a lot of silent misery.

Girls need creativity.  They need beauty.  But most importantly, girls need permission and the ability to express that femininity.  Guess what?  Being a girl is okay.  Unlike what the homeschool community has told you, you were not made for men, you were made for God.  And your beauty, your outgoing spirit, your love and your grace and your opinions are more important than building up the ego of the men around you.

My opinion is: if a guy is offended by a talented, intelligent, ambitious, passionate woman, he's not much of a man at all.  He's a coward, and he shows his cowardice by always inflating his masculine ego by putting down women.  The homeschooling community calls this "Biblical patriarchy", but it really seems to be an excuse to cater to the cowardliness and egotism of men, instead of cultivating real grace.

2.  Give life, not judgement.

Girls were created to love life, and give life.  And by giving life, I'm not just talking about having babies.  I'm talking about breathing in and refreshing people with life.  Pre-maturely judging other people brings death to your spirit and discouragement to those around you.

I can remember two years ago sitting across a table from a homeschooled girl who asked what I wanted to study in college, and after I answered, went into a speech about how ungodly girls go to college, how studying finance would be a useless tool to becoming a wife and mother, and how I was secular, feminist and lusting for independence.

Wow.  All I said is that I was a finance major.

If you are a really conservative girl on the spectrum of homeschooling, please don't judge the girls who genuinely want to serve other people with their careers.  Please don't judge girls who wear jeans, listen to something other than Beethoven and may actually become spiritual leaders.

The lesson I learned here is that judgement destroys the soul, but grace and humility and love builds it up.  The girl who asked me this question wasn't honestly curious - she asked to intentionally boost herself up.  Her goal by this question was not inquiry as much as it was a sense of superiority over me.  The reason I know this is because I've done it a lot myself.

The truth is, Christ's gospel gives life, so let's live and preach more of that gospel than our gospel.

3.  Never forget to dream.


I ask a lot homeschool girls what they want to do after high school, and their answer usually tells me a lot about the girl and the family she grew up in.  Ask any homeschool girl on any day what she wants to be when she grows up, she'll probably say, "I want to be a homeschool wife and mother" like she's an autopilot.

If you ask girls at Christian, private, public and boarding schools what they want to be, they all have different answers.  If you ask homeschooled girls what they want to be, they all have the same answer.  That's because homschooled girls are trained.  And deep down, they are afraid that if they don't become that perfect wife and mother, that somehow God will leave them.

Guess what?  Not only do I think that is incredibly boring, but I don't think you really want it.  Girls, you know you want something more.  You know you want to learn, to express yourself, to be beautiful, to finally breathe something other than legalism and judgementalism.

What do you really want to be...really?  God isn't going to hate you and call you a bad girl if you don'g want to be a homeschool mom, so it's okay to be honest.  I promise.  Just for once in your life be honest about what you want to be.

And once you have that dream in your heart, don't let anyone tell you it's "ungodly" if you know God put it there.  Don't think spiritual nurturing, humbling leading, giving insight, and speaking your opinions is what guys do.  Maybe God equipped you to do those things too, and maybe the excitement of life comes from finding those gifts.