Quietness

Two weekends ago, I woke up early for a drive back home.  I was up before the sun, and breathed the cold autumn air while walking to my car.  While my car was heating up and I pulled out of the parking lot, I realized something odd.  No one else was on the road.  It was just me, Billy (my car), the autumn trees, the sunrise,corn, empty fields and the sound of birds.  And God.  There were times I just wanted to pull over on the side of the road and stop time.

I love silence, because silence gives my heart a chance to speak.  It's during those times when I'm away from the noise at work, the internet, the classroom, billboards on the side of the road, advertisements and e-mails telling me about shopping bargains.  It's during these moments when I have to encounter the condition of my soul.  Where is my heart?  What am I after?  What are my loyalties?  What motivates me?  What are those things that make me lie awake at night?

There are people in my life who think if they're not stressed out, they are not doing something right.  Being constantly entertained, constantly running around, constantly consuming, constantly eating and constantly working is normal.  The thought that occurred to me on the side of the road was this: am I neglecting my own soul?  


I am not writing this post to say how commercialized we've become and how evil marketing companies are making America consume more.  From my perspective, the idea is a simplistic and trite answer to a difficult issue.  Marketing and advertising are great things.  I obviously would not be employed if my company didn't tell the American public we offer good services.  However, it's important to remember that marketing works by telling us we are unhappy.  Americans are bombarded with 2,000 ads a day - that means we're being told 2,000 times a day that we are not happy.  And not only are we told 2,000 times a day we are unhappy, but that we need to consume more to be happy.

I love country roads in the middle of nowhere because they have no billboards.  There is no one trying to sell me instant gratification; no one trying to trick me into handing over my credit card.  It is here - on the side of the road in this quiet place - where my soul can look at itself in the mirror.

When I take an honest look at myself, I learn how fragile my soul is.  I think when God created me he should have attached "handle with care" tag on me, but as far as I know I was born without one.  There is so much turmoil in my soul at times; a heaviness that won't go away.  It's the heaviness when I'm rejected, when I don't do a good job, when I don't reach my potential, when I'm confused.  When I think about the people I know who are free from anxiety and have some kind of inner peace, I could probably count them on one hand.

I love watching my baby sister sleep.  She's sixteen years old and still falls asleep during movies or during long car rides.  I love looking in the rearview mirror or the sofa and seeing her sleeping.  It's a beautiful thing.

God thinks when our souls rest, it's a beautiful thing.  Several years ago, I got in a discussion with a friend over what 1 Peter talks about when it refers to a "gentle and quiet spirit."  She thought the passage was saying in a literal way that women shouldn't speak loudly.  That's a common misconception.  When 1 Peter 3:4 says, "let your adorning be in the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious" it is not talking about the frequency range of your voice.  Peter is talking about the state of your soul.

I think if life was a car ride and God was the driver, he would take great delight in looking in the rear-view mirror and watching me sleep.  During sleep, I have no worries or fears.  I cannot fight back, I cannot complain about the direction we're traveling, I cannot be distracted.  I am silent, still, gentle and beautiful.  God says he looks back and calls it precious.

When I stop and consider the state of my soul, I can see how fragile I truly am.  I can see how I am driven by immediately gratification, controlled by the beauty industry, given value by my efficiency and distracted by technology.  But when those things are gone, it's just me and God.  That's where I find out that I cannot gain the whole world only to loose the innocence of my soul.